For two months I subjected myself to the cinematic experiment of watching How Stella Got Her Groove Back (1998) in micro-doses, roughly two minutes a day. What follows is the liveblog of that odyssey.
Here is the film’s trailer:
0-6 minutes: I just watched the first 6 minutes of Stella. The first 2 minutes is entirely comprised of cast cards. The next scene is Stella as high powered stock market boss woman, short scene, silly. The next scene was Stella and friends getting facials/massages. It was an overlong scene at ~3 minutes providing some background color to her friends (one sassy, one pregnant). I am now 6 minutes into it, enough for today.
6 – 8 minutes: Stella is at the airport in a business suit, her young son is going on a trip. She’s divorced, the father is apparently fat. Son is sassy, tells her to have fun and not just work. Heartfelt music, she smiles and kisses after him as he goes on plane, then sighs. Corny scene.
8:00-10:00 Stella is at home, a wealthy and expensive home, playing piano – a cultured black woman! Sad, she’s alone 🙁 Now she’s look through photos reminiscing, she’s in an oversized sports shirt and perfectly coifed hair and makeup even though she’s at home by herself. She sees a TV advertisement for a vacation to Jamaica; she pictures herself going on it, transfixed. She receives a phone call for a perspective suitor, a judge, but she’s totally transfixed by her vacation and barely talking to the suitor on the phone. She’s going to get her groove back on a trip to Jamaica! Yes!
10:00-12:00 Stella is calling her friend while dancing to uplifting music, she wants her friend to go with her. The call goes to voicemail and she leaves a message; she then immediately leaves another voicemail backing out, Stella has too much on her plate – uh oh, the adventure is over before it begins!
Or is it?
Stella also has a garden, it’s raining outside, her friend calls her back and says we’re going to Jamaica and you can’t back out! The friend is Whoopi Goldberg, wow, and she’s busy stuffing scarves into mannequin’s genital areas as she works for Calvin Klein, multitasking as she talks to Stella, haha! What a hip and happening woman! Stella has too much work but Whoopi talks her into it.
Stella is played by Angela Bassett – a sassy black woman who can appeal to sassy white women too. A multi-demographically targeted film, these studio execs are so clever!
I am increasingly concerned that Stella only lost her groove because she doesn’t have a man, which is very retro feminist and misogynist – in the post-Me Too world women don’t need a man to complete them. Can’t Stella have her groove without needing a man?
13:00-15:00. Stella is on the plane to Jamaica! Jamaican music plays, the light is on her face (supposedly sunlight, but really just an artificial light placed on her face) – she’s Going Home. “Welcome to Jamaica” the staff at her high-end hotel say over and over. What a fantasy! She checks into her beautiful hotel, Whoopi greets her. They hug, it’s so nice, together again! Stella wants her first drink. Two black guys on vacation with Superbowl rings check them out. Whoopi has already promised to connect them. Stella doesn’t want to be a slut, though. Oooh, yet another handsome man welcomes them to Jamaica, they are so excited! Haha! Jamaican music plays again as the scene pans out to beautiful golf courses and a giant resort. Wow!
Unfortunately, her groove has apparently (and troublingly) been lost because she has no man and works too much. The movie, in effect, is saying if she had a man then she would still have her groove – this is a very troubling message! Regardless, there are signs that Jamaica may lead to the love life the movie creators believe she desperately needs, and there is hope that she may indeed find her lost groove. Yasss queen!
I can’t wait to see what happens next!
15:00-1700 Whoopi and Stella are trying on clothes in their room; they compliment each other. Whoopi isn’t feeling great though. It’s a filler scene, this could have been cut with better editing but, because the film is from 1998, Whoopi was kind of a bigger star in this period so they probably kept it in to give her more airtime. Politics!
17:00-23:00 (contains a long extended scene) Stella and Whoopi are stretching on the beach. Why is Stella in pants? Whoopi is out of shape. Jamaican music again. Stella runs in pants by herself on the beach. Now Stella’s at breakfast, oooh she sees a hot athletic black man who is staring at her. They exchange looks. Oh, it’s Taye Diggs! This must be the love interest who will help her Get Her Groove Back. She asks if he’s a rapper, he gives his famous smile, says no. He’s much younger than her. He wants to join her – oh, this will be a long scene. They exchange pleasantries. He makes a bad joke about therapy. He’s flirting, she asks about his age. He’s 20! She says she’s 40 but she’s likely older. Awkward! Will it end before it begins? She keeps checking him out, licking her lips. He asks her to the pajama disco at night, he wants to dance with her. She plays hard to get. “Baby I’m old enough to be your mother!” He ignores her (correctly), says he will meet her there at 10pm. She says no and walks away – but does she mean it?
23:00-25:00 Stella is relaxing on the beach and swimming in the clear ocean. Her body looks pretty good for 40. Whoopi introduces Stella to the retired NFL players. He has a lame pickup line. Whoopi wants to set up dinner. The retired NFL player is fat and ugly and creepy. Stella doesn’t want to go to dinner. The other retired NFL player has a stutter, Stella and Whoopi are a little stunned, pause and ignore it. Whoopi wonders if she missed something by not appearing at breakfast (she did, the Young Stud!). Whoopi is going to take her NFL player to the porn shop.
Overall an awkward scene demonstrating Stella only wants a Black Chad, while Whoopi is OK getting railed by someone lower tier.
The actress playing Stella is basically a white shrew played by a black woman.
25:00-28:00 Stella trying on sex clothes in her hotel room, sexy music playing. Stella looks out at the beautiful view, she’s in contemplation. Head arches back, exposing vulnerable neck. She wants a Man. Hot Scene. New scene: Stella went out to meet Young Hot Man at night at the party! Her tits are popping out, squeezed together. But Taye Diggs doesn’t seem that much taller than her! Oh, shit! I looked him up and he is a measly 5’10” – and that is his listed height, so he’s probably 5’8” or shorter. This is a disastrous update! Men under 6’1” Do Not Exist to women, oh no, the film is falling apart. I looked up Angela Bassett’s height and it’s listed at 5’4” – in heels, 5’8”. He’s done for! Is the movie arguing she would pick a Runt over a former 6’4” NFL player??? Stella’s breasts look good, though. They don’t have real chemistry, he’s too short. Oh, the film has fallen apart. They dance awkwardly together. Diggs grabs her hands, she is into it in the film (not in real life). Sexy music plays.
28:00-32:00 (long continuous scene): The party continues. Whoopi is dancing with both the retired NFL players but she notices Stella with Taye Diggs dancing together. She walks over, unhappy that Stella ditched her; Stella is really into Diggs. This is a fake scene, the beats don’t work, Angela Bassett is overacting here (she’s not actually drunk and Diggs is 5’8”). Everyone is getting naked now at the party, Whoopi is bisexual and can’t believe what’s going on. Stella decides to leave with Diggs.
He is in a red see-thru shirt at the party, very sexual, but no shirt off yet. He appears shirtless in the movie poster. I expect he will get naked in multiple upcoming scenes, at least his top half, aimed at getting the juices flowing of the female audience. If only he were taller.
32:00-34:30: Whoopi is knocking on Stella’s door, Stella opens it. Diggs is 20 years old, almost 21, but he’s not there! No sex yet even though they left together late? Whoopi is upset that Stella kept Diggs info from her, but says he is cute. All he and Stella did was dance “all night long.” Whoopi says she was a “chicken-shit” and should have “fucked him.” Whoopi: “We in Jamaica girl! We in Jamaica. Have an affair! I won’t tell anyone if you won’t.” Stella is thinking about what she said, pondering it…hmmm…if her friend tells her to be a SLUT, then maybe she can do it and not be judged by it? Will people find out back home?
34:30-37:00 Pool scene, Stella is in a bikini. Looks good for her age. Taye Diggs is by the pool, shirt off – he’s in good shape! Jamaican music playing. Diggs get in the pool with her, compliments her. She asks him if he wants to have sex with her, he says yes, she says OK. She wonders if it’s going to be illegal because he’s so much younger, he says to calm down. She smiles, looks sexy. It’s on, baby!
I don’t know why this didn’t happen the night before while they were drunk and dancing – so she doesn’t look like a total slut to the audience, I guess, she had to be in doubt about whether to move forward for dramatic tension.
I will note we’re only 37 minutes into the 2 hour movie, so I assume a one night/day stand with Diggs will not be enough on its own for Stella to Get Her Groove Back. What will be the impediments thrown at her by the script to hold her back from her Groove for another hour and a half?
I’m concerned, based upon the latest scene, that they’re making poor short Diggyboi a virgin. That would make sense, though.
It’s becoming apparent that the “groove” is a placeholder for the hamster running in the female brain as they navigate the cock carousel.
37:00-39:00 Stella and Diggs are GETTING-IT-ON! (Chris Farley). They are kissing all sensitive like. Soul music playing, great lighting, sunset in background – all designed for Tingles in the female audience. Suddenly, Diggs drips cold water onto her back, breaks the mood! Oh no, Diggs what did you do?? This is why she didn’t get her groove back at this point in the movie – cold water! Lame plot device. Stella is laughing at what happened. Diggs is in the bathroom, feeling shaken up and insecure. Could he be a virgin??
39:00-43:30 It’s night time. Diggs and Stella go to bed – I guess they have sex after all! No virgin plotline, good. Sexy music plays. They Tenderly Make Love (gross). It’s filmed darkly. Stella is experiencing Pleasure, close-cuts to her face. She stares at the camera – this could be you, ladies! Now it’s pillow talk. He wants to be a doctor, but postponed medical school. They share emotional intimacy. She wanted to build furniture but went into money markets. This scene is too long, I don’t care about this – give me sex and drama and beach! Piano, soft music continues to play. Yawn.
This scene should have had brighter lightening and been half as long, with some jokes thrown in.
She’s found her man, she’s had her sex, there are no unfolding plotlines currently for further drama. The movie could basically end here with her going home and happy. It’s strange and a poorly developed script that there is no ongoing dramatic tension at this stage.
One may note that this film is based on a novel of the same name. The real life-author later discovered the guy was gay and using her for a green card. The screenplay is attributed in part to the woman who wrote the underlying book, it happened to her: “McMillan was credited with having introduced the interior world of Black women professionals in their thirties who are successful, alone, available, and unhappy.”
43:30-46:00 Stella is contemplating and happy that she has had sex, smiling to herself. Diggs announces he has been hired as assistant to the head chef, she is happy for him – but he starts immediately so he has to go 🙁 She asks what time he gets off tonight; he says he’s busy tonight, tomorrow, and rest of the week. Stella then breaks up with him. He wants to see her before she leaves. She resists; he kisses her. She says lets say goodbye now, he says no, she gives in.
Bad scene – so the drama at this point is that his new work is cockblocking them? This is a disaster, total failure of dramatic tension.
46:00-47:30 Whoopi wonders if Stella thinks she got played as they stare out at the ocean. Stella is pouting and pissed. Diggs sexed her and ran? Whoopi asks if it was good at least, “better than that” Stella said. He’s been calling her and Whoopi tells her to call him back, that Stella isn’t fooling anybody. The character of Whoopi basically embodies the contrasting emotions that one may feel; stay or go, engage or disengage? All of this could be happening inside Stella herself, but Whoopi exists as an external springboard so this internal conversation can be verbalized for audiences. The film is leaning heavily on the Jamaican scenery, almost as a crutch to cover the flimsiness of the plot.
47:30-52:00 Stella calls Diggs at his work, who is not there! She tears up his number, oh dear. In the next and overlong scene Stella is back from her vacation now, her friends are waiting for her, they make fun of her for having sex with a 20 year old. They think she’s glowing. This is a light and kind of fun scene but again, where is the narrative momentum? This is disastrous.
52:00-53:30 Stella is back at work, yaassss baby! She’s dressed in a power suit. But uh oh – Stella has been forced out of her job! Is this RACISM??? Why was the BLACK FEMALE targeted as opposed to any other top executive??? Oh no you didn’t!!!! She threatens to sue, but she doesn’t use the black or female card – where’s your use of leverage, girl? She storms out.
But now she will have more free time to chase after Diggs??
53:30-55:00 Stella is with her son who is making breakfast for her; he’s upset she was fired. They say grace quickly and mechanically. He wants to do a vacation to Jamaica, she says no. But perhaps she will change her mind again and reconnect with Diggs???
Because it seems like many black women raise children without a man, the film is really leaning into that single black mother motif – will the audience sympathize?
55:00-57:45 Stella is stretching in tight clothes before a run – so that’s how you stay in shape, girl. Diggs suddenly calls Stella, wow! She is excited he called. He wanted to say goodbye, he is at work. She’s been thinking about him. He says he misses her. She is very excited. Romantic music plays. He wants to see her. He can take a sick leave, Stella will go back to Jamaica with her son.
But where are the STAKES??? I expected so much more from a film called How Stella Got Her Groove Back, like some disco dancing or something.
And we’re only halfway through.
57:45-59:40 Diggs, riding a little moped in Jamaica, leans back into the beauty of the country. Drone or helicopter footage of the countryside. Stella greets him in a spacious villa on the beach in an abrupt transition. They are back in Jamaica, with her son. They hold hands in front of him. The son isn’t enthusiastic. Diggs takes off his shirt — oooh honey! He jumps into the pool. Stella likes how they all immediately get along.
I am groaning at this point; scenes are becoming a chore.
59:45-1:02:40 Stella is happy and cheerful on the beach with Diggs, they drink alcohol. The bartender, who seems to maybe know Diggs (ex girlfriend?), calls him Stella’s son. They make out in front of her to prove her wrong, but then Diggs legitimately doesn’t seem to know who the bartender was – this is a confusing scene and improperly developed. Later at night he tells her he quit his job. She tells him she got fired and might sue. They are being emotionally intimate. Who is watching after Stella’s kid during this romance?? Is he just wandering the resort with no supervision? Soft music plays.
1:02:40-1:05:20 Whoopi calls her as she’s relaxing; Diggs is out playing with her kids (again, where were the kids while they were out on their date?). Whoopi is in the hospital, uh oh! What’s wrong with her?? Stella is Glowing – is she in love?? Whoopi wants her to feel OK with dating a 20 year old, but Stella says he hasn’t even had his heart broken before.
This was a wholly unnecessary scene – I guess Whoopi has to be Dying to inject some tension? The strange thing is Whoopi looks exactly the same in the hospital – no weight loss, they didn’t even apply makeup to make her look pale or whatever. She is just chilling in the hospital bed, looking as normal as ever.
1:05:20-1:08:05 Stella, Diggs, and the kids pull up to a spacious mansion with horses – it’s Diggs’ parents house, they’re rich! He surprises her. Diggs has on an ugly shirt. The parents are regal and dignified; the father is smoking a cigar (it makes me want one). Classical music plays in the house; they have servants. Stella has a heart to heart with the mother; the mother is upset at Stella’s age. The mother is 41, Stella is 40! The mother is right to be upset – Stella isn’t going to be giving him children or the mother grandchildren. Cradle robber! Barren womb-er!
A good and true scene – Stella’s friends were ribbing her about it before, but this is the first one to actually hold her to task. Finally a little real tension. How will it develop further? The parents put their foot down – you can’t be with Stella! – and he breaks it off with her, then changes his mind to be with her at the end? We’ll see!
1:08:00-1:11:00 Stella is humiliated, staring out at the ocean. Diggs empathizes with her, apologizes. He just wanted her to meet his family, that she was important to him. She’s upset that he didn’t ask her first, which was immature. He’s upset she’s scolding him like a child – “you didn’t think I was such a child last night.” Oooooh, sick burn. He says he will take her back to the hotel, they’re finished here. Trouble in paradise! Another good scene, let her get PWNed for cradle robbing. He takes them back to the hotel, there’s a note for Stella on the door. She calls the hospital – UH OH IS WHOOPI IS IN TROUBLE??? Whoopi is facing a medical emergency, she has cancer which has advanced. Oh, I thought the doctor would say she would be dead, now she gets to have more mopey emotional scenes – bummer. The doctor advises her to go home to see her. Diggs is worried, will she tell him?
1:11:00-1:17:30 Stella on the plane back; it looks like she brought her kid and niece with her at least. She is worried about Whoopi. Stock cut of NYC, then Stella is in the hospital with Whoopi. They’re making small talk, Whoopi is acting like she’s drugged up, but they didn’t put makeup to look her pale and she didn’t lose any weight, she’s just squinting her eyes and talking with a croak. Stella is trying to keep her cheerful. I don’t like Stella’s hair here, it’s natty. Whoopi asks for a hit of morphine, Stella gets sad. This was a way overlong scene and probably the worst scene of the film pacing wise so far – my attention wandered hard. They probably kept it so long because of Whoopi’s star power, wanted to give her a chance to “act real good.”
Whoopi’s death will surely make Stella realize the importance of living in the moment, no delay, seize the day (i.e. jump headlong into uninhibited sex with Diggs) because life is short and death is near! Thank you, Whoopi, for teaching Stella this important example through your courageous fight with cancer! You are not a slut, not a cradle robber, carpe diem! And you, too, female audience, can experience this for yourself too without guilt!
1:17:30-1:20:50 Oh shit, next scene Whoopi is DEAD, she’s DEAD! Wow, that was a quick cut. Church scene, Stella is giving a speech – oh, as she’s about to speak Diggs shows up! It’s on, baby, and it’s serious! He loves her! Did Diggs and Whoopi even meet? This seems like a strange move – Diggs received a visa to attend his booty call’s best friend’s funeral? I guess he wasn’t working so why not? Stella’s blue dress is retro, I don’t really like it. Music is soft and soulful. Damn, daddy – Whoopi she DEAD! Onto the next film payday in the sky. Stella meets with Diggs outside the church, they share a hug and tender moment – “thank you for coming.”
1:20:50-1:24:30 Diggs is contemplative, tells Stella he loves her. She says no you don’t, you can’t. He reiterates it, wants to go with her. Oh shit he wants the green card!!! Is a 90 Day Fiance situation incoming? They introduce Diggs to her family, although she is reluctant – and oh, Stella’s ex-husband is there! How will that go down? The Relationship is Deepening!!!
But honestly this film is dragging. Bring back Diggs’ mom to disapprove of Stella for being a cougar!
12:24:30-1:27:30 At the family party we finally meet Stella’s ex, who is middle aged and nondescript, looks like an average black man; he is spiteful at first, meets Diggs and gives him some manly advice about how Stella is stubborn and she needs a man to keep her in place – this would have been a good cameo opportunity for someone famous and scene chewing and funny, missed opportunity (Chris Rock?). Diggs is acting charming, Stella is receiving mixed feedback from family, then tells Diggs she loves him – it’s getting deep! Her son is watching this and giving the stink eye.
1:27:40-1:33:00 Back at Stella’s very nice and spacious place; her son wants to show Diggs around. He shows him Stella’s furniture making office, Diggs is impressed; clearly Stella will go back to doing this by the end of the film, having “gotten her groove back” with her new man and the furniture passion. The son tells Diggs not to break Stella’s heart, tender music sways – sigh, could they have skipped this scene? “If you break her heart you have to deal with me”…too cliche. Of course in real life the guy who Diggs played might have said if he was being truthful, “I’m gay and doing this for the green card and money.” Next scene they’re cooking together acting “happy” and kissing…there is no narrative tension. Oh, now Stella is crying at night – is it about Whoopi? Yeah, Whoopi. I’ll note this is 1.5 hours into the movie, another 30 minutes to go – couldn’t they have truncated this thing into 1.5 hours total? Romcoms are not supposed to be 2 hours.
1:33:00-1:37:30 Diggs bonding with Stella’s son, dog next to them – how idyllic (boring)! Women check out Stella and she feels insecure and old, this could have been highlighted more. Stella’s old work colleagues meet Diggs and it is awkward, Diggs is too young and inexperienced/immature. This is reiterated in the subsequent scene.
1:37:30-1:40:45 They’re at a fancy dinner, Diggs wants to pay but he can’t really afford to – lol. I guess his rich parents aren’t covering his expenses due to their relationship? They fight over the bill, he insists on paying anyway. Stella looks good here, tight black dress and neck tie, tits hanging out. They fight over whether she wears the pants or he does, and that he seems immature. Trouble in paradise (no fight about Diggs’ character being secretly gay, though). They then fight over whether Diggs does enough chores and how well he does them. He doesn’t want to be scolded. This is a good and resonant scene, women turn sour after awhile – my mentor told me women give the best they have to offer at the beginning, then after awhile all you’re left with is the bone and gristle. Diggs thinks she’s ashamed of him because of his age, that she won’t bring him around her friends. He suggests maybe they should break up – lawdy lawdy! He storms out, and she is kind of impressed that he stood up for himself. Very good scene.
1:40:45-1:51:51 Stella and Diggs are sleeping apart, uh oh! Even though both are awake. Oh, she apologizes, a de-escalation. Booooo, less drama. He shows her that he cleaned up her garage and made it nice again for her to do woodworking, nice gesture, I knew this was coming. He bought her expensive machinery – how did he have money for this? He’s unemployed and cut off financially. An unasked and unanswered question. Next scene, the white bosses at work invite Stella back, $275,000 to start plus incentives, wow! Will she do woodworking and follow her heart, or take the money and abandon it? She turns them down! She questions her decision, he supports her. What is Diggs doing all day with his life, just sitting around? His Jamaican accent is starting to get annoying. He proposes – he really wants that green card! Sweet piano music plays. They kiss. She says she wants to think about it.
They’re still 15 minutes left in this film, including credits. Sigh, this is dragged out. Stella is hustling, Diggs is sulking, she doesn’t have an answer to the marriage proposal, Stella’s son defends her. Now you see Diggs’s muscular butt while he’s showering, he and Stella have sex in the shower. Will she now say YES to marriage & green card? Sexy music plays. She orgasms. Long and drawn out sex scene, very focused on their faces, especially Stella’s.
1:51:45-2:00:00 OK I’m going to sprint to the finish here. “Winston, we need to talk.” “I know.” I forgot what’s happening at this point, are they fighting or in love? It’s all blurring together into a stream of nonsense due to a total lack of dramatic tension / forward momentum. Diggs is thinking maybe he isn’t the right fit for Stella between the age difference, money, but he still wants her (and children? She’s 40!). He wants to go to medical school and is going home today. He says he loves her and she doesn’t respond – oooh, burn. 9 minutes left of this, less with credits. But does Stella really have her groove back yet? No man, hasn’t done her woodworking business, how will everything wrap up into a bow? Where’s the groove, baby? It’s got to have some quick scenes where they get back together then she’s happy & successful in woodworking, I think. Will it happen? Diggs is at the airport in the rain – oh shit, there’s Stella waiting for him! How did she get there before him, that doesn’t make any sense. “Ever consider Stanford?” OK, they embrace, now we still need the woodworking scene of success. Oh, she says yes to marriage – she got her man, groove box checked off! Soulful music plays. What? It jumps to credits – where is her woodworking success story??? A scene totally missing from the end to wrap it up in a bow, big miss here.
Lots of narrative threads left unprofessionally and sloppily dangling – shouldn’t they have a nod to Whoopi at the end, perhaps have her wave like the ghosts in Star Wars? Do his parents accept Diggs for his decisions? Who is watching Stella’s son when she sprints to the airport? What will her friends think? Is her woodworking business successful? Will he become a successful doctor?
I hope you have found this journey through the world of Stella and her groove to be education and entertaining. Oh, and there might be a sequel – Grandma Gets Her Groove Back?
Thanks for reading.
Subscribe:
Email delivery remains on Substack for now.